15 Years

(If you don’t know my family’s story, you can scroll up to the initial blogpost from 2015)

June.14.2020  I cannot reflect back to this day 15 years ago without a very real awareness of what this day looks like in 2020.  In less than 6 months, many things in our world have flipped upside down.  Many would say that our stability as a nation has shattered under our feet. Confusion, speculation, questions have swirled around us.  Many have suffered great loss- of life, jobs, livelihood, and more. Riots and lootings and cries for social justice fill our streets.  And this is just a very small summary, not even scratching the surface, of this day in the year 2020. There is a storm raging.  There is unrest.  There is what has seemed on so many fronts like chaos reigning in our nation. 

But if we can stop for a moment and just BE STILL.  Do you hear it?  The silence.  The quieting of the waters.    The winds dying down.    PEACE.    And it is only found one place… In understanding the truth about the One who rules the wind and the waves. In all of the swirling, whirling chaos around us, take this to heart:  

Our God is sovereign.  He reigns on His throne.  And HE. IS. GOOD.

And this takes me back to15 years ago today.   He is sovereign now and He was sovereign those many years ago (and every day before and every day since) when our world seemed to flip upside down in an instant. The past faithfulness of my God is the anchor of my confidence and hope to walk these present and future circumstances with faith and boldness.   

It’s difficult to believe it has been that many years since our mom and brother went to heaven.  In one sense it feels like forever, in another sense it feels like last week.  And while time helps heal, even this many years later I still grieve their absence (as well as my dad’s) and hate that they are gone.  Every child I’ve been blessed to birth, I’ve mourned that I can’t introduce them to my parents and brother.  Every joy that I’ve experienced, I’ve mourned that I can’t share it with them.  Every fear or hardship I go through, I’ve mourned because they can’t walk with me through it.  I share these things not to complain or as to say “woe is me” but simply to let you see that I am human.  Faith does not remove our humanity and the way God has so beautifully created us to feel.  Those emotions are what draws me to feel my need.  I am broken- I need HIM.  I am orphaned~ I need HIM.  I am afraid and inadequate~ I need HIM. 

I recall to mind countless days in the time following the car accident that I felt convinced that I would not survive that trial.  So many days it felt like the end to the grief was nowhere in sight.  It felt like all the various burdens that accompanied it were too much to bear.  But God was faithful. 

One moment, one day at a time we walked it and I can speak for my siblings when I say that by God’s grace alone, we are all thriving. 

Life has looked different for each one of us since this day 15 years ago.  We have each gone through different seasons of hardship and times where our faith has been stretched.  We’ve had joys and sorrows since then and we’ve wrestled with different things along the way.  But through God we have done valiantly (Psalm 108:13) and to Him alone be the glory!  He is faithful, friends, and we can believe His promises- He is with us through everything.      

I’m impacted lately by the fact that I have to keep my eyes FIXED.  Especially living in a world that is at enmity with God, it’s so easy to fall into discouragement and even hopelessness.  The darkness feels so heavy sometimes and I’m reminded over and over that this is not my home.  As Hebrews talks about, we long for a better country.  I just love that….a better country.  One that is truly FREE of every sorrow, every fear, every loss or tragedy, every sickness, every injustice, every corrupt leader, and every ugly sin of my very own heart. These past few months, the Lord has been stripping me of comforts that I didn’t even realize I was finding comfort in.  He’s allowed me to feel the instability of the world in a way I’ve never felt before.  And it’s terrifying.  It’s terrifying without the hope that there’s something so much better than this.  Jesus Christ died- He died for me and for you- so that we would be right with a holy God and have peace, and in that, securing for us a residency in this better country that awaits us.  AMAZING.

If you don’t know Jesus Christ, you have to know that TODAY is the day of salvation.  My mom and brother died in an instant in a car wreck. There was no “heads up”- just a normal evening, heading home on a road trip.  Thankfully, my mom was saved as a young girl and faithfully followed Him the rest of her 53 years.  And my brother Joel, surrendered his life to Jesus just a few months before he died. 

 Isaiah 55 offers what is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful invitations to salvation.  Bear with me for the length of it because it is just soooo good:  

        

“Come, everyone who thirsts,

come to the waters;

and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and       without price.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor

For that which does not satisfy?

Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food.

Incline your ear, and come to me;

Hear, that your soul may live;

And I will make with you an everlasting covenant,

My steadfast, sure love for David.

Seek the Lord while He may be found;

Call upon Him while He is near;

Let the wicked forsake His way,

And the unrighteous man his thoughts;

Let him return to the Lord,

That He may have compassion on him,

And to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.”

Isaiah 55:1-3, 6-7

Every day is uncertain.  Come to Him today. He will abundantly pardon! If you have access to a Bible (there are many options online too) read the book of John tonight.  My husband and myself would love to chat with you- with no judgment- just the Word of God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

 One of our favorite singer/songwriter/authors is the very talented Andrew Peterson.  Just a couple weeks ago he was asked to speak at his daughter’s graduation and shared an amazing speech.  In it, he said this, referring to the very frequent reference to the “uncertain times” we’re living in:

        

         “To say these times are uncertain implies that the time before was certain.  Graduates, these times aren’t any less certain than a year ago or 100 or 1,000 years ago.  The times have always been uncertain.  We have no idea what’s coming in five minutes or five years…… The only certainty in these uncertain times is the resurrected Christ, our great High King, who works all things together for the good of those who love Him.” 

(Link to entire speech HERE)

My hope this same night 15 years ago was in the great High King, and in trusting by His grace, that He was working ALL these things, even the worst of circumstances for our good.  And today, we can hold the same hope that He is reigning and He is good and He is somehow working all the things going on in our world and in our own lives for our good, preparing us for that better country.

As I reflect, I am reminded once again of the many, many amazing mercies and blessings of God to our family during those dark days.  He surrounded us with friends and family and church family who prayed, brought food, donated money towards bills, visited, listened, cried, built a wheelchair ramp, went back to school (college) shopping, read eulogies when we were unable….and these are just a FEW.  Each one of you showed your love in action and to this day, I am SO humbled and grateful. 

Here is a photo from November, Thanksgiving Day, the day we were discharged from the hospital after having our precious 4th baby.  I look at this picture and can't help but be overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

                               

Lastly (probably never thought I’d get here, huh?), I asked if any of the family would like me to include a reflection.   

    

This is from Jessica:

"Fifteen years is a long time. And fifteen years is a snap of your fingers. Today I reflect on the day of the

car accident fifteen years ago that changed my life and the lives of my family members forever. June 14,

2005 was definitely a time marker and defining date in my life. Yet life did not stop there, and life goes

on toward eternity. During that season, I would definitely say I faced some of the greatest trials and

heartbreaks of my life. Yet I have faced many trials since then and know that in this fallen world I will

face many more trials until the Lord calls me home. Even now, fifteen years later, there are days that I

feel the heart-wrenching grief so acutely of wishing I could laugh with my brother or share a

conversation with my mom about the joys and trials of motherhood or have a theological conversation

with my dad. And I still live with repercussions to my health every single day from injuries and scars

from the accident. But on this day, my heart overflows with thankfulness to remember that God spared my LIFE. Initially, paramedics didn’t think I would live. Doctors didn’t know how well my body would recover or if I would walk with my own legs again. They questioned my ability to safely bear children.

And now I look around at my extended family and my wonderful husband and how God has blessed me

with three (soon to be four) beautiful children, and my heart is overwhelmed at the kindness He has

shown. He has healed emotionally and physically and proven His faithfulness through these trials time

after time after time. He walked with me through the darkest valleys and showed sweet mercies and

kindnesses through those dark days. And I still often think about His faithfulness and ask myself, after

all God has done for me, how can I not live for Him? Will I not testify of Him to those around me? I said

that God spared my life in the accident. But when I was lying in the hospital bed fifteen years ago, I kept

quoting the passage in Colossians 3 to myself that contains the following: “For you have died and our life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed

with Him in glory.” Even now, especially since the accident, it is a constant reminder that Christ is my

life. We live and hope for the life to come. So it really doesn’t matter what circumstances we face here

or trials we endure. We all have trials. We all have scars of one kind or another. No one escapes them.

But for the Christian, Christ is our life. He defines us. So I press on each day with a living hope, mindful

that I may have a few more hours or fifty more years. But this I know: “Through many dangers, toils, and snares I have already come. ‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

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And from Charity:

“Wow, it is hard to believe it has been fifteen years.  God is faithful- and there is much comfort found knowing the difficulties of this life will never be stronger than the sufficiency of God’s love and faithfulness to bear us through them as we rely on Him.  Pastor Mark Dever has said that “victory often looks like endurance.” As the prize throughout the race, Christ is the source of strength for endurance.  We run the race for this One who is worthy, and it will be a blessing to one day join mom and dad and Joel in worshiping Jesus face to face when finishing this race.  I am blessed and thankful for the saints and family He has blessed me with on this earth as I run alongside them while striving toward Christ until that day. “Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.” Hebrews 12:1b-2a

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 Josh, Emily & Family

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When There are No Answers

 The Unbreakable Covenant Promise- 

An Anchor of Hope for People that Break

God sometimes asks us to give up things we love- things we’ve hoped for and prayed for-  good things.   And sometimes what may be the hardest part about that is not even in losing the thing itself, though incredibly painful, but in our questioning and in our sorrow feeling the very love and nearness of God has gone away also with that thing.  I have felt this.  It is a dark place.  And I understand better why David would say “ The nearness of God is my good.”   I have experienced this also.   And it is a bright and hopeful place of rest.  

I’m taking a Precepts Bible Study on the book of Exodus right now.  It has been an amazing study and has been enlightening for my understanding of who God is and His sovereign, wise purposes to make people everywhere know that HE IS THE LORD.  His faithful care and provision for His people has been a steady theme throughout the book and has several times brought me to tears even as I relay to my children how God gave the people a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, reassuring them of His presence and faithful watch over them.  One of the first promises He makes when He is calling Moses to the great task of leading His people out of Egypt is this…. “I WILL BE WITH YOU”  (Exodus 3:12)  Can we just allow those words to sink in for a minute?  HE, the God who spoke the world into existence, the God who commands the winds and the seas to obey Him (and they do), the God who sent His only Son Jesus into a cruel world to die an awful death because of His great love for us, the God in whom rests the only hope we have in this life…..this is the God- the one we are able to call our God- who gives the most comforting 5 words, apart from calling us His own, I think we could be given…. “I WILL BE WITH YOU”.              

Speechless.

Photo: The Lamb's Garden Ministries

                              

       God made a covenant with Israel.  I learned that the Hebrew word for “made” means “cut”…He cut a covenant with them.  When men made a covenant with each other in those times, they would actually make a cut on their forearms, with blood shed, as a symbol or sign of the covenant agreement they made with each other.  This made it personal- it was a visible reminder to themselves whenever they looked down and saw that cut, they remembered the covenant.  But it also served as a sign to their enemies that showed that they were not alone, that someone was behind them and had their back, so to speak.  In His covenant with Israel, God rescued them from their slavery in Egypt and faithfully provided for them daily, guiding them through the wilderness and giving them laws for their own protection.  And yet, in their thirst, in their weariness, in their doubt…in their sin, they grumbled and questioned God… “Did you rescue us from the land of Egypt only to let us die in this wilderness?”  How easily they forgot where they had been, the miraculous signs and wonders God had performed, how God had protected them from every plague He brought upon the Egyptians, how He had been faithful to every promise He had made, how DAILY He provided the food that they needed.   They easily forgot the covenant He had cut with them.

How easily I have forgotten the promises and the faithfulness of God in days past.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief. 

I WILL BE WITH YOU.

There is beautiful hope in that phrase for any diagnosis, any trepidation, any loss, any anxious fear, any heartache.  Stop and let those words sink in again.   

Lord, You promised to be with Moses and You were.  You promised to be with the Israelites and You were.  Even when things didn’t make sense to them, even when they doubted you in their sin, even when they couldn’t see how Your all-wise steps were leading them and guiding them to the Promised Land.  You were faithful.  And You are the same God today as you were then. 

  

YOU WILL BE WITH ME.      

Pain comes in many different packages.  As Alistair Begg said, “How many heartaches are hidden behind our smiles?”  We all have hardships.  The trials we are guaranteed in Scripture (yes, I said guaranteed… “in this world you WILL have troubles.” And yet, I still find myself surprised at times when they come.  ”Do not be surprised by the trials among you.” we are told in I Peter 4:12-13)  Anyway….our hardships don’t always look the same for each of us and vary in degrees of intensity. The aches of our heart don’t always come in the form of extreme trauma or tragedy.  Or they might. 

They may come in the form of severe debilitating insomnia with no end in sight.  Loneliness stemming from an unfulfilled desire to be married.    Facing persecutions in your business because you choose to walk in integrity.      Unrelentless financial burdens.     Supporting your husband in his business ventures whatever it takes.                               Broken and hurtful family relationships laced with deception, and manipulation.      Living with chronic pain or illness that maybe nobody else understands.       Miscarriage.    Severed friendships.         Battles of daily depression.         The loss of a child or spouse, sibling or parent.          Unbelieving children.          A barren womb.     A harsh and difficult husband.     A quarrelsome wife.       Working day in and day out at an unfulfilling job.    Simply living a life that didn’t look how you expected for it to look for one reason or another.   I know I haven’t even dented the surface.

Family and friends, I know some of you have endured these things for years.  And most of the time, nobody understands the depth and the layers that burrow deep down into your soul.   And the wonderfully comforting thing is that our GOD KNOWS.  Even when we don’t understand, He knows and He cares.  He does.  

 Photo: https://openclipart.org/user-detail/GDJ

                                       

God does not always give us answers. He doesn't always allow us to know why He does things the way He does.  Sometimes things are utterly confusing and just hurts.   To be honest, sometimes I've even felt duped. I look at certain seasons or circumstances in life (particularly a very recent season) and the biggest thing I can see in my mind's eye is a big question mark.   I found recently God asking me the question in my soul, “Are you ok with not having answers?  WILL YOU TRUST ME?”  I have to be honest and say that I wrestled.  Deeply.  I look back and think about some of the most difficult things God has called me to walk through in life and you’d think I would’ve surrendered the expectation of understanding everything He does.   But no, it is still a struggle!   But by His grace, it has come a little easier each time and I surrender a little sooner with each trial.  

Through the wrestling, I found the answer came softly and very simply, but with rightful authority. 

“I am God and you are not.” 

Simple as that, but oh so difficult for the flesh to accept and embrace.  His ways are so so so so sooooooo much higher than mine and His thoughts so so so soooooo much higher than mine.  Who can know the mind of the Lord?  Who has been His counselor? (Romans 11:34)    

Deuteronomy 29:29 tells us that “The secret things belong to the Lord.”  While I believe that this truth certainly applies to doctrine- things about our God or His Word that we simply cannot and will not understand until heaven- I think it also applies to the things in the workings of our lives that God has chosen to keep hidden from us.     Even when we start seeing some of His purposes- glimpses of the “why” He did something- I am compelled to believe that we still really only see a fragment of how He is working all those things together for good in the grand tapestry of His eternal purposes.

John Piper said “God is always doing 10,000 thousand things in your life.  And you may be aware of three of them.”  

He is always working….every single solitary minute detail of what happens in this universe is in His perfect control and grand plan. 

And the thing that I cannot leave out of that truth- that He is sovereign over it all- is that He is always good.  Sometimes His ways don't just not make sense.  Sometimes they feel harsh and cruel.  But, friends, ALL of His plans for us are somehow wholly loving.  Whether it feels like love or not, I must believe that it IS.  Because He says it is.  This, my friends, is the hard part about faith- but it is the very essence of what faith is….believing in the things that we cannot see and cannot understand and cannot know. (Hebrews 11:1) It is a choice, fueled by the grace of God and power of the Holy Spirit….a choice to believe Him….a choice to trust Him…a choice to have JOY.  My feelings do not define truth- God’s Word does.  My heart cries “God, purify my understanding of truth, transform my feelings so that they are in symphony with the promises of Your Word.”

Sometimes the love of an infinite, omnipotent, omniscient God does not look like the love that my finite, feeble mind understands.  His love for us is a million times greater than we can ever fathom.   This is love: that He sent His son Jesus to give His life for mine.  I did NOTHING to earn that.  And I will never be able to repay such a priceless gift.  NO OTHER payment would do.  This was the ONLY way for me to be made clean- and HE did it.  For ME and for YOU.  This is LOVE.  Let us never forget that, in the midst of whatever incredibly painful things we are going through.  We deserve nothing from God but eternal judgment.  And yet He has given us just the opposite and abundantly more!  If it were possible for God to never show me one more ounce of kindness or mercy, the cross would still be more than I EVER should receive.  He died for us and gave us the certificate of DEBT PAID!  “Tetelestai”… It is finished!  And He will certainly not leave us there. 

“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”  (Philippians 1:6)    

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

One of the things that we are constantly ingraining in our children’s minds and hearts is that “God is with them.”  When they are afraid, when they get ouchies, when they are apprehensive, that is what we tell them- “God is with you.”   If my 5 year old son is asked to go up to mommy and daddy’s room to get something and he is afraid because it’s dark up there, his immediate response is, “Daddy, will you go with me?”  Daddy encourages him to be brave and that there is light in the hallway and that as soon as he gets in the bedroom he can turn the light on.  Nope, he still won’t have it.  The only thing that calms his fears, that gives him the ability to make the long dark scary walk up to the bedroom (which in reality is 12 stairs, mostly lit) is if daddy goes with him.  He is fearless if daddy is with him.  (Unless of course there are bees and then it’s hopeless.)  And so it is with me- I am not much different from a child.  If my Father goes with me, I find great comfort and strength for the task.  Or at least I should. 

                       

 So, what if I find no comfort in the truth that He is with me?  Well, I have been there too, sadly.  If knowing that my loving, wise Father is with me through whatever I’m walking does not bring me peace and rest in my soul, I have to examine my understanding of my Father and my relationship with Him.  You see, when He is not my greatest joy and my dearest Friend and my fountain of life, my treasure, my reward, the aim of my life…..then there’s little comfort in knowing He is with me.  I might as well be walking with Kermit the Frog.   But when He is all those things to me, I am empowered for the journey, knowing He goes with me.   John Piper said, “What is the deepest root of your joy?  What God gives to you?  Or what God is to you?”

I have THE most supportive, committed, loyal husband.  We are a team and feel like we can walk through anything if we are together and unified.  When I had thyroid surgery several years ago, he stayed the night with me and was with me around the clock.  During the labors and deliveries of our babies he did not leave my side (well, he tried once- to go to the bathroom, but I wouldn’t let him leave).    As grateful as I am for his companionship and love, as much as I feel strengthened when he is with me and love being with him, it still cannot compare with the peace and presence of the Lord.  If HE is not with me, I lack peace, I lack joy, I lack hope. 

And the reality of all of this, is that even though in hardships I may lose the sense of God’s presence, we know from Hebrews 13:5 that He is with us: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Even when we can’t seem to find God, He is there.  In his book Trusting God (a new favorite!  If you haven’t read it, do it), Jerry Bridges says “He may hide Himself from our sense of His presence, but He never allows our adversities to hide us from Him.  He may allow us to pass through the deep waters and the fire, but He will be with us in them. (see Isaiah 43:2).”   

I’m sure I have read this passage numerous times but for some reason it has come alive to me lately:  Psalm 18:28-30 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.  For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God- His way is perfect, the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.”

Even knowing the purpose of the Father, Jesus still had to walk the dark road to the cross- the thorns still dug into his head, the spear still pierced His side, the whip still made Him cry out in pain.  A reminder of His humanity (while maintaining His deity)- He took on flesh and felt physical pain.  But it was for the joy set before Him He endured the cross (Hebrews 12:2).   And so with us, the Lord being with us doesn’t remove our pain or change the difficulty level of the road we are walking- we still very much feel the pain of our suffering, the path is still sometimes very dark, and it threatens destruction.  In fact, the pain itself is what drops us to our knees and takes us to a new depth of faith.  But the comfort that comes from His presence with me softens the pain, it lightens the load I carry and gives incredible hope.  He is a covenant God who is on my side and “has my back” in the most incredible meaning of the phrase.  He has made a covenant with me that He cannot and will not break.  His promises are sure and steadfast.  He is faithful and from generation to generation, He is God.  

Photo: Reimund Schuster via Wikimedia Commons

                          

 In Exodus 33, after Moses descends from Mt. Sinai and addresses the Israelites horrid sin against God by creating and worshiping a golden calf, the Lord tells Moses that He will not go with them.  “Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, because you are an obstinate people, and I might destroy you on the way.” (vs.3)  Moses later makes a plea before God and first asks Him “let me know Your ways that I may know You.”  He then reminds the Lord that this nation was His people.  Then, he makes this sobering plea to the Lord…. “If your presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from here.” (vs. 15)  How I can relate to this plea…..”God, if you don’t go with me, I don’t want to go.  You are my only hope.  I need You. I cannot do this alone.  And no one else will do- it has to be YOU.”  The presence of God was so precious to Moses- it was his lifeline.   The Lord gives Moses the most assuring response he could’ve received… “My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.” (vs.14)   REST.  Thank you, Father, for this REST. 

“Be still

And know that I am God.”

I recently read that Joni Earickson Tada is undergoing another surgery for a second diagnosis of breast cancer.  For anyone that knows Joni’s story, you know she has endured more trials than any of us can ever imagine.  She is well-acquainted with hardship.  When asked her thoughts on this second cancer diagnosis, this was her response: “Jesus is ecstasy beyond compare and if new hardships draw us closer to Him, I’m more than content with it.”  

Lord, give me that heart! 

                His path for us is not painless….but it is perfect.  And it is beautiful.  Because the one true God, the One who knows all, the One who orchestrates it all, the One who loves with an everlasting love IS WITH US.     

“And behold, I am with you always, 

even to the end of the age.” 

Matthew 28:20

Psalm 46- Shane and Shane

This song has always been a beautiful reminder to me that the Lord of Hosts Himself is with us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbr-Oky1qV0#action=share 

The Silence of God- Andrew Peterson

If you have not heard Andrew Peterson's music and lyrics, you must.  He is one of the best lyricists I've heard in a long time.  This song in particular....so perfectly describes the reality of the Christian life.  What comfort can be drawn by being raw and honest while clinging to our hope. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvytewIxll0