A Decade Has Passed...
And Something Greater is Coming
(Revelation 21:1-8)
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." (verses 4-5)
The date was June 14, 2005. The time- just about dusk, I think around 7:30 in the evening. The location- a two-lane highway in Wyoming, heading back to Denver. The driver of our vehicle....me.
It's still quite difficult to think back to that dark day. Such a dark day. A day that, as so many others in this world have experienced in one form or another, would change life forever.
There's so much to share, friends. I mean, so much that it overwhelms me. And, I know that each of us "Seidlers" could share a different, unique and valuable perspective of all that we individually experienced. But I'll save that for another time and another place- perhaps in a book someday. For now, just trust me that I truly am paring it down and know that my siblings have equally (if not more!) important testimonials as well. For those that know me (and love me in spite of it!), you know I am incapable of summarizing.
This photo was taken the day before the car accident with the group from the conference we attended. The 3 of us girls are on the left and Joel is second in on the right.
My first memory after the car accident was waking up on the ground to unfamiliar voices speaking to me and trying to bring me to consciousness- or keep me conscious. My last memory before the impact was seeing an oncoming white pick-up truck drifting a bit into our lane and my mom, in the passenger seat, very calmly saying "Watch out, Heidi. That guy is kind of coming into your lane." I remember slowly decelerating as I realized he wasn't veering back over and, though this part got wiped away from my memory in the impact, apparently I braked, knowing that trouble was inevitable. The middle-aged man at the wheel of that white pick-up truck had fallen asleep at the wheel.
My mother, 53, and brother Joel, 20, were killed instantly. My youngest sister Charity and I were taken by ambulance to the hospital in Casper, WY. My sister Jessica had to be removed from the vehicle with the Jaws of Life, was in critical condition and was airlifted to the hospital. My older brother, Josh, was at home in Westminster with his 2 boys and his wife, who was expecting their 3rd son. Josh got that dreaded phone call and left almost immediately (and wisely had a friend do the driving) to come to be with his sisters at the hospital in Casper. What we would have done without him, I really don't know. He's pretty amazing.
I found out in the ambulance on the way to the hospital that mom and Joel were with Jesus. I couldn't bear at the moment to ponder what that really meant and God knew that. He intervened, giving me a supernatural peace knowing that they were completely taken care of now and He carried my thoughts and my heart to the ones who needed the immediate care- my sisters. The broken bodies and souls of my sisters.
"Accidents do not exist in the lives of Christians. Our God does all things according to the design of His will. As well, our lives and our deaths have a higher purpose which is to give glory to God." Author unknown
There are oh so many details of surgeries and injuries for us girls- I won't try to go into all of it. Many of you who were there with us know. The most important thing is that, for purposes only God knows, He miraculously preserved the lives of us three Seidler gals in an accident that we were told no one should've survived. Jessica, in particular, "should not" be where she is today. But here's the great thing- we have a BIG GOD, who decides our first breath and our last breath and who numbers our days. No one, no event, no accident, no diagnosis can rob us of those days before our BIG GOD has ordained it. For my mom and brother, he chose their death to bring glory to Himself at the young ages of 53 and 20. For us, He chose to glorify Himself through the preservation of our lives that day and in all He would do in these 10 years following. Well, that's my prayer anyway- that the last 10 years have reflected Christ and His faithfulness.
What a long and hard road, especially in those few years after the car accident. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual battles- some days so intense that you feel you can't even stand up. So our knees- or our faces- were a really good place for us to spend those days! Here are just a few things- not in detail- we encountered in the months following: physical recovery for Heidi and Charity, looooong physical recovery for Jessica including months in the hospital and then at home, all 3 of us girls moving in with our brother Josh and his family, the birth of our 3rd nephew Cameron Thomas, Charity registering for and beginning college classes at CCU, Charity getting her driver's license (not an easy thing for her or those of us training her after being in such a horrible car accident!), a memorial service for Mom and Joel, Heidi taking her nursing boards and passing by God's grace, going through our parent's home of 20 years, remodeling our parent's home, a grueling legal case, Jessica starting to slowly get back into the classroom as a teacher, selling our parent's home and, of course, the grueling grief process. I know I'm forgetting things, and I do want to acknowledge that all this was going on while my brother Josh was working full-time and had a wife and family of 3 boys. He was not in the vehicle but he dealt with just as much as we did.
Charity, Heidi, Jessica, Josh- somewhere down the road of recovery.
Many already know this, but part of what made all of this even that much more difficult is that our dad passed away from stomach cancer just 9 months before our car accident. He was sick for a short time and was only diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks before he died. My mom hadn't really been able to deal with his "stuff"- she was just trying to survive- so we were left with a lot.
Why do I share all of this?
Because our FAITHFUL GOD carried us through every single bit of it!
Was it easy? NO. Was it painless? NO. Was it quick? NO. But it was GOOD. How in the world could this all be GOOD, you ask? Because GOD is good and His Word says that "ALL the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies." Psalm 25:10
My (now)husband, my pastor and several other dear ones can attest to my deep, deep struggle with God's goodness and love in the years following my father's death and our car accident. Oh, mercy, how I struggled! I always said I believed He was good and loving but I. Didn't. Have. A. Clue. My belief- or my profession of that belief- was sooooo shallow. Little did I know that I equated God's goodness with my "good" life... A good job= God is good. A good, functioning car= God is good. A boyfriend= God is good. Good Health= God is good. No hardship= God is good. I know...totally shallow. You'd think I would have a more spiritually mature understanding. Well, I had it in my head- I thought. But I found out it definitely wasn't in my heart.
When we were just friends, my (now)husband, Sean, was the one who pretty blatantly told me that I was living a works-righteousness. Excuuuuse me?!?! I know I can't do a squatty thing to earn my salvation! What was he talking about?! Well, as the Lord helped me to see, it wasn't in regards to my salvation that I had this faulty thinking. It was in regard to my everyday life. I came to the humbling realization that in my heart, I expected that I should get "good things" from God because I was living a "good life". Without knowing it, I was treasuring (and expecting) the good things God gave me or did for me- I wasn't treasuring God Himself for all the beauty of who He is. Well all of this came crashing down when tragedy hit and when "good" wasn't restored into my life. I was in a desert for years following the accident. Life was simply just HARD. It didn't seem like God was answering any of my prayers, especially not favorably in my opinion. By God's grace, never did I turn my back on God, never did I crumble in my faith. But don't be deceived- I battled and struggled and wrestled for it. I felt in a sense like I was Jacob, wrestling with God and pleading for blessing- the blessing of having the reassurance of God's love and goodness. And finally, through the Holy Spirit's conviction, I saw it. I had to repent for not giving God the love and honor that was due Him, regardless of what He gave me or took from me. He is worthy and HE Himself in all His beauty, is my treasure. He must become everything to us.
At the memorial service, the song we chose for the background music to my mom's photo slideshow was "Treasure of Jesus" by Steven Curtis Chapman. "If I should live or die, let me be found pursuing the prize. The one that alone satisfies, the treasure of Jesus." My mom set such a great example of this, not just in her words, but by her life- Jesus was her treasure and she lived it.
Many of my friends and acquaintances, maybe some of whom are reading this, and many I only know of, have suffered SO much. Many people have suffered so much more than I have. I do not write as one to whom suffering is unique. Every kind of suffering is difficult for different reasons and is unique to the individual. Often I am humbled and broken by the suffering and sorrow that others have to endure and often I think "How are they bearing this?" And then I stop and know exactly how they are bearing it. I have found that the statement "God never gives you more than you can handle" is soooo not true. That isn't found anywhere in Scripture. The truth is, God DOES give us way more than we can handle. I can't handle the loss of my dad and then 9 months later the tragic loss of my mom and brother, a critically injured sister, another sister who needed her parents and brother, and everything else that entailed. That's the very reason it is a trial- we can't handle it! We are weak. But He promises to supply all of our needs and He promises to be faithful and help us and provide for us.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
And there is also the huge blessing of the universal body of Christ. More on that later!
SO WHERE ARE WE TEN YEARS LATER???
JOSH & EMILY~ They live in Colorado's beautiful mountains and have 3 boys who are all fine young men and have such unique individual gifts and talents. Grandpa Tom and Grandma Kathy would be so proud. Josh just got training to be a Home Inspector and is working on building that business with Emily's help. They have also flipped a few homes and have done AMAZING work. They have a desire to foster-adopt a little girl and just completed the final step, so now they are officially "qualified" and are waiting any day now for a call to welcome a little girl into their home. We are so excited! Emily willingly shared her home for many months with her 3 sisters and I understand more now than I did then what a sacrifice that was for a wife and a mom of 3 littles.
JESSICA~ has been married to her husband Dancell for 4 years. They have a 1 1/2 year old boy, are expecting a little girl in September and Dancell also has an 8 year old daughter. Dancell has been an added blessing to our family and we're so glad he's a part of it. Jessica has recovered AMAZINGLY, though it was indeed a long and hard road. She has stepped away from teaching and is currently at home filling the great role of being mom and wife. She still has some swelling and pain in her left foot (which was essentially crushed) and goes for regular check-ups... but considering the amount of injury that foot sustained, it is remarkable and miraculous how well it has healed. She has found such joy and contentment in Christ, rather than focus on her scars or limitations. We are so thankful to God that He spared her life and has restored so much life to her!
CHARITY~ this girl has grown leaps and bounds! She went from not being able to walk down the hall at the hospital to get ice by herself, to just a week ago leaving overseas to work with a Bible translating organization for 2 months. God has taken a young, immature girl who was broken by the tragic loss of both parents and a close brother in 9 months time and has turned those ashes into a beautiful woman of God. She's faced discouragement and hurdles and uncertainty so it hasn't been necessarily easy. BUT... she got her driver's license, graduated college, spent a summer studying at Oxford, works with refugees in Denver, has taken several trips to the Navajo Reservations to serve and love those people, is living on her own and, most importantly, is such a humble, selfless, servant of Jesus Christ. Whichever single guy snatches her up is going to be one blessed guy, I can tell you that!
In April, I celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary with my sweet husband Sean. In those 6 years, we've had 2 job losses, 2 miscarriages etc... but also have had many blessings, one of which is 2 beautiful, healthy children! I am blessed to be home with them and am enjoying this short and quick season that is so challenging at times but is also so full of JOY and blessing. Sean is an amazing husband, father, encourager, provider, friend and support.
God brought me to my knees again when I was diagnosed with follicular thyroid cancer 6 months ago, but He has been so near to me/us which has been such a comfort. I've been so thankful through it because the one thing that I have been assured of has been...wait for it...yes, the goodness and love of God. So many years of wrestling with that in trial and now, by God's grace, I have the reassurance that He LOVES me no matter what is dealt me and He Himself is my goodness in life. What a difference this has made in a trial!
The last 6 months alone have been so transforming I could write a few chapters just on that, but one of the biggest things it has done in my heart- and I'll wrap things up with this- is unveil my eyes to see that simple truth I began with.... something greater is coming. This life is not "it". You'd think I would've "gotten" that from losing both parents and a sibling and having my world turned upside down. But God knows I'm blonde- or moreso He knows that I'm just like the people of Israel in the OT and need many reminders. Often He gives them to me gently but I'm the type that I need a blow to the side of the head to "get it" sometimes. We are not Home yet...this place we live- this life we live- is severely tainted by sin and the corruption that follows. There is suffering of every kind- SO much of it. Cancer, disease, child soldiers, poverty, death, sex trafficking, homelessness, infertility, disability, divorce, starvation, murder, abortion, abuse, war, unemployment...sadly, the list can go on and on! Dare I even say that our world is getting sicker every single day. There is so much perversion going on regarding business, gender, freedoms, marriage, even perversion of the gospel itself, all slowly stripping humanity and creation of the beauty in which God created His world. There are battles going on between countries, between religions, between political parties, between denominations. Battles for what everyone thinks is right in his own eyes. Friends, WE NEED JESUS!!! With all of this going on, Ephesians 6:12 tells us that
"We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."
Our battles are spiritual and are very real and present.
But here's the greatest HOPE that can ever be offered to a dying world..."I have said these things to you, that in ME you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
This was said regarding the fathers of our faith..."But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." Hebrews 11:16
Hebrews 13:14 "For here we have no lasting city but we seek the city that is to come."
I Corinthians 15:19 "If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied."
Philippians 3:20-21 "Our commonwealth is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will change the body of our lowliness to be like the body of his glory, according to the working by which he is able to subdue all things to himself."
"The person who knows that his destiny is glorious and certain will be free to live the most radical life of love and sacrifice here on earth." John Piper
We have a BETTER COUNTRY that awaits us!
This was over a year ago and not the greatest picture but here we are. God took several family members but He's also added quite a few very special ones.
One dear friend of my mom's said to me this week, "The thing that is so impacting is that this whole time you've all kept your faith." This, my friends, is the grace of God. Without God as Rock and Anchor, I can tell you we WOULD have surely lost our faith.
"I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." (Psalm 27:13) And I can truly say that I have seen His goodness!
My eyes have been opened to so many things....
I do know that this journey has opened my eyes to a great many things from grief (in all aspects- being the one grieving, ministering to someone who is grieving, what grieving with hope looks like), to the unconditional love and patience God can give to siblings in really crummy circumstances, to the GIFT that life is, to the importance of living well, dying well and teaching those you love to do the same, to the inexplicable blessing the universal church of God is, and so on and on and on.
Speaking of the universal body of Christ...
I will end with this (wrapping it up now, I promise!).
My heart overflows with gratitude and I can't possibly imagine the last 10 years without our amazing friends and family. I can never forget how much you helped us in our time of need. You all have been a pillar for us and have encouraged us when we've been weak. You brought refreshment when we were struggling to come up for air. Sometimes you just sat with us and listened or let us cry our eyes out. You dear, dear ones who came up to the hospital in Wyoming. I didn't even know what was going on half the time those first few days but found out later how much you did, taking care of things and taking care of us. My sweet friend and brother in Christ (also one of our church elders) whose number I somehow was able to recall in the ER (probably because I lived with he and his sweet family for a time), was the first to arrive at the hospital in the middle of that night, who sat with me and cried with me until my brother arrived. Our uncle and grandma who rushed to CO (and my 70-something year old grandma got to ride on a flight for life airplane to Denver- got to cross that off her bucket list...but probably not something that was on her bucket list!) Our dear friend and high school teacher who, with her husband, set up and maintained a website for updates and prayer needs...what a blessing and help that was! Some took Charity out to practice driving and to shop for some new school clothes as she began college, some cleaned and prepped Josh and Emily's house and installed a new dishwasher in preparation for us girls to move in. Some helped us with our parents house, some helped with the memorial service. Phone calls, cards, meals, visits, snatching me out of the hospital for a couple hours to give me a break.
I can never even begin to possibly list each act of kindness, but not one of them is forgotten and from the bottom of my heart I want to again say THANK YOU.
And I'm so sorry this was so long.
In Loving Memory
Additonal Info:
The links for the 9News stories that were done on the accident are no longer active but here are a couple links regarding the story and our family:
http://www.denverpost.com/ci_2805078
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=6220513159 A sermon preached the Sunday following the accident by Pastor Thomas, the pastor of the church in Wyoming where we had just attended a conference.
